Thursday, August 26, 2010

Falling in Love is.....

  1. Knowing which battles to pick with your partner.
    How to know if he's in love with you?  When he answers the call to solve the probem...any problem...and does so with respect, patience, humility, and warmth, I think it's a  good sign. The Polar Bear really stepped up this week when I was going jaCrazy on some thing stupid.
  2. Dressing for him in the morning, even when you know you can't see him.
      How to know if he's in love with you? If, on the phone, he asks you what you wore.He does this every once in a while, and it makes me feel so lovely!

  3. Smiling when he crosses your mind.
    How to know if he's in love with you? If he smiles as soon as you see each other. It's especially nice cuz I always get a really wide smile.
  4. Looking after his affairs with as much detail as you do your own. 
    How to know if he's in love with you? If, in his own subtle way, he does the same.
      He meets the unexpected needs, and that's always a gentle reassurance.

  5. Taking him to New York City to meet your friends. 
    How to know if he's in love with you? He takes you to Virginia, Pennsylvania, and South Carolina so he can also meet your family.  That requires a lot.

How to know when you're falling in love

I'm not sure if I buy the idea of falling in love the instant I lay eyes on jaw-droppingly gorgeous gentleman.  I do know that falling in love takes time, patience, pain, tolerance, reassurance, sacrifice, endurance, resilience, determination - it's like a job!  Falling in love requires a lot.

When I was younger, falling in love was soooooooo easy.  I think that was because I didn't want to give much.  Or - more appropriately - I wasn't in a position to give.  That's why I could so easily fall in love with partners that wanted to give....whether it was time, company, gifts, security, flowers, experiences....I was like a sponge!  I wanted to soak up fascinating experiences, stories, and company - it was all very one sided...and that's what made the feelings of falling in love come so easily.  I wasn't giving those things, so that made my risk factor low, making falling in love so much easier.

Now that I'm older, wiser, and a grown *ss woman, it's much harder for me to fall in love.  I've got so much more to give, and I'm so much more able (and confident!) to give it than I was in my twenties.  Knowing how much I value myself, my time, my efforts, and my talents makes me all the more careful about "falling in love" with my partner.  Also, modesty aside, my standards are higher, and so my pool is smaller (remember the SATC episode where Enid Mead (Candace Bergon) asked Carrie to get out of her pool? :)  So I'm much more picky with choosing my partner now...not's just how love works, at the very least, in my world.

Also, I always got the sense that with "falling in love," it was about how one person falls head over heels for another, but reciprocation isn't necessarily part of the deal.  I just don't like the idea of being out on a limb with no safety net. 

So...falling in love is tougher....I'm attracted to a smaller pool of guys, I'm more protective of my time and involvement (because I value it so much more), and I have a lot more to offer, share...and potentially lose.  So that makes it tough.

But it's still quite possible.  The Polar Bear has been around for a while now, and while I'm not too keen on falling in love, I kinda like the idea of walking into love together.  And that's just what we'll do. 

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

For the Married, Thinking about Marriage, and the Divorced - A MUST READ!

I came across this post on Facebook, and I'm not sure if the link will connect (privacy issues, perhaps?), so I'll repost here.  I don't know much about marriage (my folks divorced when I was 3), but this piece really hits home.....


When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I've got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.

Suddenly I didn't know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly.

She didn't seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why?

I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn't talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane. I didn't love her anymore. I just pitied her!

With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company.

She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Jane so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.

The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn't have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Jane.

When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.

In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn't want anything from me, but needed a month's notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month's time and she didn't want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.

This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day.

She requested that every day for the month's duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.

I told Jane about my wife's divorce conditions. . She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully.

My wife and I hadn't had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mommy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don't tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside

the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.

On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn't looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.

On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me.

On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn't tell Jane about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.

She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.

Suddenly it hit me... she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.

Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it's time to carry mom out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day.

But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn't noticed that our life lacked intimacy.

I drove to office.... jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind...I walked upstairs. Jane opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Jane, I do not want the divorce anymore.

She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Jane, I said, I won't divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn't value the details of our lives, not because we didn't love each other anymore. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart.

Jane seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away.

At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I'll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.

That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed - dead.

My wife had been fighting CANCER for months and I was so busy with Jane to even notice. She knew that she would die soon and she wanted to save me from the whatever negative reaction from our son, in case we push thru with the divorce.-- At least, in the eyes of our son--- I'm a loving husband....

The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves. So find time to be your spouse's friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Do have a real happy marriage!

If you don't share this, nothing will happen to you.

If you do, you just might save a marriage.

Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.


So then, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate. Matthew 19:6

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

10 Signs to Keep Him? Not convinced on this one....

Just saw this list here of 10 Signs He's a Keeper, but dang, it's rough to work with!
Here's my take on the list (which, by the way, reflects a different set of aspirations than mine for a partner), and here's why:
  1. He's responsible - Does he remember to do things that a grown, adult person should be doing (paying bills, maintaining the home, etc.)? Are life's responsibilities distributed equally between the two of you?  And if he doesn't remember, does he react well when you remind him?
  2. He's reliable - Contrary to the list, I don't believe you can run to a guy with all of your problems.  Isn't that what friends, family, colleagues, and therapists are for? My take is....does he respond well to the problems that he's supposed to solve?
  3. He respects you - duh. This is a non-negotiable - it's not a sign that I should keep him!  Pleeeeeeassse.
  4. He's genuinely kind - Wasn't it Chris Rock that talked about how when a couple gets together, there are 6 people in the room (the 2 of you....the 2 people you each want to be...and the 2 people you want each other to be).  He should be sweet and kind.  Not just a demeanor towards you;  I think this should be a permanent behavior in the way that he treats everyone!
  5. He loves those around him -  I totally agree that he should have a good relationship with family and friends; however, I think it's very important that as the girlfriend/partner/lover, we know when to give him        his        space.  Time with friends and family is VERY important (and good for you too!).  But knowing when enough hockey with the boys is enough...well, it keeps hockey-watching charming.
  6. He's loved by those closest to you - It's nice if my friends and family dig him too.  But loved?  That might be a stretch.
  7. He's honest - Honest, yes!  Blunt, hell naw!  If my Polar Bear (a very kind, lovely man who courts me well!) were blunt....well, neither he nor I would be very romantic with each other.
  8. He's not emotionally stunted - This isn't a sign you should keep him.  It's a requirement of any healthy relationship!
  9. He has values similar to yours - True......this can keep you both growing.
  10. He makes time for you - He better!  Even if he DOES live 4 hours away.  (wink, wink, Polar B!)
I'm not liking this list very much. Perhaps could use a more thoughtful array of life and love commentary artists....hmmmmmmmmm...........

ciao y'all!

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Thursday, July 29, 2010

Great love-- distance gifts.....

Just came across,
which has the cutest gift ideas for long-distance loves.

Check out these pillow cases - one for each of you!

I like this body pillow, too....
Just not sure if I'd be ready to give this bad boy away:)

The Man List

A few months ago, my girls came over for one of our weekly potlucks, and the topic of men, boyfriends, ALL came up!  A powerful chica in the crew threw out the idea of the MAN LIST, which a few of the other girls had created and edit when needed. 

This is a great chance to figure out what's important to me in terms of a relationship.  For so long, I had been caught up in championship men that looked great on paper, but did less than the very best in the actual relationship (actually, quite sub-par).

So right then and there, we made my man list....what I wish for in a guy.  It's not in concrete, and as I grow, so, hopefully, will the list!
  1. Intellectually stimulating
  2. good foundation
  3. stable
  4. family oriented
  5. Christian
  6. caring
  7. proud of me
  8. adventurous
  9. provider
  10. protector
  11. a good man
  12. ambitious
  13. a good sense of the human spirit (knows how to treat people)
  14. knows what the right thing to do is
  15. proactive
  16. passionate about life
  17. courageous
  18. curious
  19. open-minded
  20. healthy
  21. athletic